


Hope's Purest Form

by Makowo



Series: Black, White, and Bottomless Gray [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Angst, Delusions, Despair, F/M, Hope, Hope vs. Despair, Lack of emotion, Loosely Based On Some Of My Own Experiences, Makoto Just Can't Feel Despair n Shit, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Out of Character, Partial vent, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, like a tiny bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 14:52:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18758671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Makowo/pseuds/Makowo
Summary: He can't take it. He can't take being unable to grieve, to feel Despair.(If Makoto was literally Ultimate Hope, *completely* void of despair)





	Hope's Purest Form

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo welcome back, it's Me From 4 Months Ago, back to deliver more Makoto Suffering.

Makoto is willing to die.

 

It hasn't quite hit him until now. Hasn't-hadn't, it hadn't quite been spelled out so-well, so plainly. So bluntly. Yet here he is, watching a ship melt into the horizon and feeling nothing but a cold stone in his chest. The water's clear, so so clear. Shining like a million crystals, reflecting the sun's rays as they beat down upon their ravaged Earth.

 

He spares a glance to the sky. The sky, once so nice and blue, then dyed that awful polluted red and black. Now it's back, and he couldn't be happier. Couldn't be happier that everything is back. Everything's in order. Readily prepared for the perfect end, for the credits to roll and for everyone to live happily.

 

Except it's not all in order.

 

Except something's gone.

 

And they're not back.

 

They're never coming back.

 

Makoto looks back down at the water. It laps against the concrete border of the island, constantly shifting. Constantly moving. Left, right, left, right. He could find a bit of solace in the repetition. But it never lasts forever. Nothing he has ever does.

 

He can't help the chuckle that escapes him. It's such a hollow sound, more akin to the rattle of bones. A shiver courses down his spine at hearing how much it's deteriorated over time. No one ever really commented on it though. Except for them-

 

His breath hitches, and suddenly Makoto wants to scream. A flame flickers to life in his chest, spreading along his nerves like wildfire and setting everything ablaze. The intrusive thoughts keep that flame ablaze, swirling in his mind like a whirlpool and tearing any rationality he once had to bits.

 

Naegi chokes on his own breath. Once, twice. Over and over. But it's not like he'll be disturbed, oh no. His friends respect his wishes, even if he masks them with wanting some alone time. He can't stand the thought of worrying them. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself.

 

So, if he does this, if he hides until it's too late, then they won't _need_ to worry! They won't need to watch him all the time, or pay for therapy, or even talk to him! Because he's fine! And there's no need to worry. Ultimate Hope has zero reason to feel Despair, after all. Because he has no need for it. Never has, never will. It's not like he's ever felt it before, so why would he need it?

 

Something's... wrong with him, isn't there? He isn't just unable to feel despair, he... he just _can't_ . In his first final trial, it could make some weird sense. He could just resist Junko's tactics, so it's fine. But then as he experienced more, saw the outside world, he kind of... thought about it. He had trouble wrapping his head around it. How could people feel despair? The sixth trial of the NWP killing game didn't help at all either. It was all so confusing to him. But you can't just ask about that, right? That's insensitive, touchy. He can't risk harming his bonds over something so trivial. So he stayed shut about it. 

 

Until the suicide video happened. That's when Makoto realized it. He _literally_ could not feel despair. Sure, he was brainwashed into it, but could you really call it that when all it took was a few punches and some words to snap him out of it? Because that wasn't real despair. That was... a cheap imitation. Something Makoto had to take not because he's strong, but because he's unable to feel the real thing.

 

He's... unable to feel an emotion. He's never had any need to grieve, to truly cry for the dead, or for those close to him falling prey to Junko's sickening existence. Because he literally can't feel those things. He's always had hope, because that's all he is.

 

All thoughts grind to a halt. All except one.

 

~~ **_ FALL _ ** ~~

 

The water splashes, sloshing against the island's side. Welcoming, begging. Makoto... is willing to die. In these waters. This ending. It'd be so much more welcoming than the empty stone lying in his chest, carving out that hole despair was supposed to fill, like it does for everyone else. To form that perfect balance of emotions every human but him has.

 

Naegi's body leans forward on it's own. Very slowly, inch by painfully slow inch. It's like something's working against him, resisting. He can't tell which side's resist though, nor what side he's working for. All he knows is that his body is winning its decent. Down and down and down, until all of a sudden-

 

Makoto's supposed to be falling. Why isn't he falling?

 

Something tugs him back, throwing him down on his back against the hard concrete. He winces, about to bark out some annoyed exclamation before he lays his eyes on who they are.

 

"K... Kyo... ko?" Each syllable comes out as a breathy whisper, barely heard above the crashing of the sea's waves. The ghost doesn't smile, not even a bit. Instead, a look of anger dons its features.

 

"Makoto!" Her exclamation is loud, blaring. His name is not said with softness, with kindness. It's shouted with the power of a gunshot, enough to strike his shriveled soul. "What do you think you're doing!?"

 

For a moment, he's about to have a breakdown. About to embrace her and tell her anything he can think of in the absolute messiest way possible. Blabber unintelligible words for hours on end and cuddle her and just appreciate her very existence, because she's alive and here and-

 

And she's not. She can't possibly be alive.

 

Makoto's expression evens out into an eerie calmness. "You're..." He gathers himself slowly, rising to stand up straight. To face it. "You're not real." His voice is almost scarily flat, filled with nothing.

 

She looks confused. Tch. That's what they all do. "Why should I waste my time talking to you? You're just another damn delusion I've made up to make me keep going." He finds it in himself to humor the thing before him, staring expectantly. "So? Give me the spiel. Give me that same speech I've given so many times to so many people. Tell me that I deserve to live, that I'm needed. When I can't even relate to most of the world."

 

Makoto, wha-" His stare morphs to a sharp scowl, enough to make the ghost go silent moments longer. "You know exactly what! You're me! You're something I made up! Because I literally can't despair, you instead plague me with my friends and family! And I..." He pulls at his hair, growling in frustration. "I can't resist that! Because I can't feel anything else!"

 

A few seconds pass of tense silence, before Makoto's hands fall to his sides. "I won't listen this time though." He brings his gaze up, towards the horizon. It's splashed with rays of red and pink light, hitting against the few clouds lingering within the sky. _"I don't have to."_

 

The next moments are a blur. One moment, he's breaking into a dash for the ocean, focused entirely on the blue waves dominating his vision. The next moment he's on the ground, surrounded by voices. They're yelling, shouting something or other that he can't understand. It's all a haze, the loudest thing being himself as he punches and kicks and screams his curses. It goes on for so long, seconds to minutes that feel like hours to his sleep-deprived mind.

 

"Makoto!" It's sudden, so damn sudden. A snap, and he can hear her, see her. Oh god, this isn't... god where is there so much _blood_ ? It's-it's all-

 

Someone grabs his face, their touch of warm leather. It terrifies him so much. His illusionsare usually tamer than this. A flash of pink, a glimpse of swirled eyes, and he shuts down. His mind becomes unable to even comprehend it all, since it lacks the tools to do so. But this time he's still up. He can still hear and see and he doesn't _want to!_ He doESN'T WANT T **O** **SEE THIS ANYMO-**

 

"Makoto, Makoto please look at me." Every ounce of Naegi's attention focuses to her, locked onto those beautiful purple eyes that shake with... fear?

 

"You're not... real. You're not real. You're not real. Not real, not real not real not real notrealnotrealnotrealno **treal you're not real please leave me alone and just go fucking di-"**

 

Naegi's throat tightens, white-hot tears of fear carving their tracks into his skin and dripping past her gloved hands. "Naegi, please. I'm real." Them, his friends, stand behind her. Watching, waiting. Waiting for what? For him to... to un...derstand? Is she...

 

"Oh." Kyoko seems to wince slightly at the flat reaction, as if she were anticipating something else. "I... I'm sorry." He answers, taking his hands away from hers and letting them lay flat against the ground. His brow furrows, glancing away from her confused expression. "I..." He chuckles, that same hollow sound scraping against his friends ears and writhes against the sides of his bottomless hope. "I guess I kinda just admitted it, eh?" He dons a smile. It's real too, filled with happiness. Filled with love.

 

Filled with Hope, left unbalanced by an absence of Despair.

**Author's Note:**

> So this spawned over like,,,,,,,,,,,,,one night. It ain't my best, but it's something to post. Mostly just so that my ability to make one-shots doesn't die.
> 
>  
> 
> (tbh thinkin about writing more on this idea, idk)


End file.
